Finding Peace within the Noise

Peace.

A word that is so small but has such a significant, colossal meaning.

The world is loud. Busy, noisy, and absurd.

When is there a moment of opportunity or motivation to find peace?

Life has been a rollercoaster ride. Several ups and downs, twists and turns—a ride where my head aches from the experience.

One where such crucial and insane moments shake you so hard but go by so quickly that you can’t help but wonder if it really happened.

That’s life. It doesn’t slow down just for you to try to catch your breath. It keeps going.

Going through the journey that I’ve been through, peace seems familiar but unknown. Memories are triggering and omnipresent, even when you try to forget them. It’s tough.

Breast cancer stole so much from my life at such a young age. 24.
I could dwell on how I lost so much of what made me who I am as a woman—my hair, my eyelashes, my eyebrows, weight gain, pre-menopause, my fingernails, my immunity. The list goes on of the sweet simple things that were taken away and replaced with the dullness and bitterness of the physical self-reflection. I didn’t look at myself for long in the mirror. Ever. I didn’t want to. I didn’t know the person I saw.

But I knew the person I was becoming.

Me.

Who is that?

A reflection in the mirror

or a gleaming light from within?

I guess I get to choose.

My peace throughout the diagnosis, the treatments, and the surgeries was profound. It was present. I was not worried about anything because I knew I was not in control of the situation, but was very well taken care of throughout it.

Now for the healing…

July will be two years since my lumpectomy/diagnosis. Two years.

I am at the point of my life and healing journey where I am trying to find the peace within the healing journey. I am now 26 years old. Hair grown out into a long bob—which I just added highlights to! My lashes and brows are back, and I am working on becoming happy with my body, despite all it has been through.

Do you ever truly heal?

Memories flood your mind at the simple trigger of a word or image. They attack you and consume your mind. As a cancer patient in remission, you can try all you want to block them out. I have. But sometimes the harsh reality strikes, and you have to deal with it.

Deal with it.
But don’t let it break you.

I’m tired.
I am tired of trying to stay so strong all of the time, when being strong is the only choice I have. I wasn’t given that option. But I wouldn’t have taken the other option even if it would’ve been presented. That’s “stubbornness” defined. I don’t take the easy way out. But I’ve gotten tired along the journey.

I’m learning.
I am learning to be present—with my family, with my work, with myself.
I am learning more about myself each day. How I am able. How I can. How I will.
I am learning when to stop. When to slow down. When to rest.
I am learning to breathe. To enjoy. To live.

I’ve had my fair share of happiest and hardest moments since writing my last blog post. I’ve had racing thoughts and couldn’t sit down to type and focus on just one. I feel like this post today sums up how I have been feeling lately, and shows that life isn’t always easy. But my purpose in this life and the reason for my posts are to encourage, uplift, and inspire.

To anyone reading this,
please know that you are more than capable of conquering the hardships. No matter the significance, it can and will be done.

I want my words to spark the desire in you to grow and love and learn and seek and dream and do.

Life isn’t always beautiful, but…

Like a garden in the winter

you let go of your pieces that make you whole,

your roots become dormant

to rest and be patient for a while

until the sun shines again

and you become

a magical, beautiful version of what you never knew could exist

blooming into what is truly you.

Growth.

it’s certainly a beautiful mess.

Love, Landyn xo

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